Now, let me be clear on something... I, unlike BMC, do not have a defensible reason for seeking a new care provider. My OB has been nothing but understanding, sympathetic and attentive. Her staff is equally competent, patient and professional... No, my desire to find a new baby doctor is totally predicated upon the fact that I can no longer show my face in her office after this afternoon.
Allow me a brief but important digression... I was raised by a woman who so severely limited her ability to frequent, shop or attend events at local businesses based on certain embarrassing episodes she would have whilst visiting these establishments. Eventually, we would have to move so that she could just get a pedicure. My father, in a fit of despair over yet another trip to procure feminine hygiene products from the local drugstore, once wondered aloud if these recurring episodes weren't just a clever ploy to get her out of having to run certain undesirable errands. (and lest you think my father a neanderthal for not wanting to buy my mom's kotex, don't. he is also the man who suggested radical thinking to my husband upon the birth of Bean... "have you ever noticed that 'woman's work' is always the shit that no one else wants to do..." Also know that my mother has been known to take certain liberties with my father's generosity of spirit.) I swore that this fate, like the rest of my mom's less than endearing traits that I seem to be sporting lately, would not be mine. Alas... we all know how this story ends. (have y'all noticed lately that my digressions are starting to look a lot like posts in their own rite?)
So, today, I had my 12 week appointment with the aforementioned,OB. And despite my ongoing feeling of foreboding around this pregnancy, she assured me that all was well. My weight looked great, my pee was picture perfect and my blood pressure was something to behold. I left feeling... well, honestly, feeling relieved. For the first time since blessing that pee stick, I felt comfortable about the reality of Garbanzo's arrival. Fast forward, four hours and a hummus and veggie pita later...
Around 2:30 pm today, I began experiencing what can only be described as severe cramping, belly-bunching, doubled over gut pain. In retrospect, it is clear to me that I panicked per my earlier feelings of foreboding... that said, in the heat of the moment and the midst of the pain, my reactions are completely
I called my doctor's office and explained the completely apocalyptic nature of the situation and when asked to describe the cramping,
broke down completely and sobbed that the nurse was not taking me seriously did my best to calmly describe the sensation of one's lower abdomen being smashed in an apple press. After she attempted to gather some additional details from me (rather unsuccessfully) including what I had eaten for the past 6-8 hours, she asked me to go lie down for 10 minutes and relax... not to call anyone else, not to send any emails, just go rest for a little bit and to call her back once that 10 minutes had passed.
I followed her order, albeit reluctantly. After about 7 minutes, as I was beginning to drift off to nappy land, I let go of the loudest, stinkiest, and most disgusting sounding fart that I have produced in these short 30 years of life. It smelled worse than a dog fart... worse than that time I was sprayed by the hippos at the zoo. I almost threw up, it smelled so bad. If anyone else had been at home, I would have blamed N. or the dog. And just as suddenly, the horrible gut pain was miraculously cured. Go figure.
I still, however, had to call the nurse back. I stalled another 10 minutes... trying to think of how to explain the sudden disapperance of any symptoms. I even contemplated calling the phone company to quickly change my phone number in the event that she called back before I could think of something clever to say.
Nothing came to mind. I just called and told her that I felt much better, thank you. She then discussed the additional signs that I would need to keep an eye out for in the next 24 hours, and I sheepishly admitted that I was probably fine, but thanks again for her time. She then added that sometimes our bodies give us very clear signals that it is time to rest when we are stressed, tired or over-extended. I again thanked her, trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible, and explained that I was pretty sure that I knew what happened and that all was fine. At which point, she chuckled and added that I should perhaps go easy on the hummus and raw veggies in the future.
So, you see... I can't possibly go back there now. I am the big, crazy-ass gas passer. I know that she told everybody that story. Shit, if I were her, I would tell everybody in that office about my sorry butt.
Maybe, I am just immature like that...