My battle with the porcelian god

They have recently installed automatic toilets in my office building. 

I have mixed feelings about automatic toilets... yes, there is something to be said for the hygienic milestone of not having to touch a public toilet, but I am always paranoid that the toilet will either not flush and my "business" will be on display for the next unfortunately soul to occupy that stall OR that the toilet will flush before I am finished paying my respects.

Today, a fear was realized.  I faced it, have overcome, and am stronger in the knowledge that I have outsmarted a piece of plumbing. [Queue the swell of victorious music circa Chariots of Fire or something equally as moving...]

As I sat upon the throne, scraps of TP strategically placed around the rim, I looked down to inspect my pathetic pedicure.  It is really bad, I should be ashamed to show my piggies in public.  But, I am not.  I have a 5 month old, gawddammit, I will get to it when I get to it.... anyway, I digress.

I leaned over to chip some pink polish from my pointer toe and the toilet flushed... violently. Material that I was actually trying to expel from my "special area"  was, well, I can only describe it as, re-applied...  GROOOOOSSSSS, and distinctly un-hygienic.

Toilet 1, t'pon 0

However, the facilities had underestimated my resolve.  I simply bent forward again, turning the demon toilet into an automatic bidet (a little chilly, but effective nonetheless).  I completed my task, during which the toilet flushed an additional two times as if trying to catch me off guard again. But to no avail, I will not be fooled into complacency.  EVER VIGILANT!

Now, the person who had the distinct privilege of occupying the stall next to mine thinks that I am some kind of wasteful, compulsive flusher. I guess there are worse things in this world.

Comments

[buffi]

Haahaha! Yes, I have strong feelings about the automatic flush toilets as well. Mostly because they scare my potty-training son to death. (I was going to say that they scare the crap out of him but that's not quite accurate. Maybe back into him...)