Raisins and M&Ms

When I was in college, I was a part of a program that would lead unsuspecting freshmen into the woods the week before the start of classes.  The idea was that by forcing a group of strangers to live and hike together for seven days (without the benefit of showers) instant bonds would be formed.  Obviously, when you take a group of 17-18 year olds into the forest, you have to have rules, for their safety and YOUR sanity.  Some are official, like bear bagging your food, proper maintenance of the campsite, hydration, etc, and some are... well, not.  One of the unofficial, yet completely critical, rules of these hikes was "Do not r*ape the G.O.R.P".** 

For those not "in-the-know", G.O.R.P is a name for common trail mix, Good Old Raisins and Peanuts (or granola, oats, raisins and peanuts as I am informed by TBernie... but that doesn't apply here), a necessity on long hikes for energy.  In addition to the two named ingredients, it also contains sunflowers seeds and, the highly coveted, M&Ms.  The problem arises when hikers begin to pillage the mix, eating only the M&Ms, ultimately leaving nothing but the less-desirable elements.

I was thinking about "r*aping the G.O.R.P" yesterday as I read Deviant Woman's post.  Bear with me as I bring it all home.

I think that almost every parent (or at least those who are being real with themselves) goes through a "7-month itch" -- give or take a few weeks.  A period during which they come to terms with a dramatically different life than the life they lead before. Despite all the love and joy that you get from this child and the immense sense of pride you have in being his/her guardian... you can't help but feel a sense of loss for the person you were or could have been before choosing to become a parent.  Sometimes, as in the case of Dutch, the evaluation comes from the sheer enormity of the responsibility of raising another human in this world.  Sometimes, it is a result of the overwhelming task of balancing your former life (work, friends, hobbies, etc) with your new life (diapers, playgroups, nap schedules, feedings).  And honestly, sometimes it is motivated by the simple recognition that no one is coming to pick up this child, ever. 

Suddenly, you begin to think about all of the things that you will never be able to do... not that you would have done any of them anyway.  You begin to crave some life or connection not related to your child, but struggle to keep up with your pre-baby friends and activities. There are days filled with the mind-numbing frustration of trying to get a cranky baby to sleep for his own good, or jamming the bottle into his mouth because you know he is hungry but he refuses to sit still, or walking away from the screaming to just pull yourself together, counting the handfuls of hair that you are losing in this tug of war, and the beat goes on...

You wonder to yourself, why you ever thought that this was going to be a good thing.  Why did I give up my old life for this?

And then they smile, or laugh, or give you a hug and a sloppy wet kiss and you feel, instantly, guilty.

You begin to realize that this is what your already-parent friends nodded about knowingly when you went on and on about the joys of parenthood during your pregnancy. That for all the great moments, for all of the joy, there would be the struggle to retain, or find, or define, yourself as an individual and not get dragged down into the daily grind of being someone's parent. But you wish that someone had been honest with you, if only to help you get ready.

Why doesn't anyone in the real world talk about this out loud.  I know that it has been covered extensively through blogs.  But why, when we moms and dads gather at picnics and parties, for lunch and coffee, are we not honest about the ups AND downs of raising these little people. Is it because we are afraid that we are all alone in this? Are we afraid of being judged, deemed unappreciative?

For me, parenthood is a lot like the G.O.R.P. -- filled with a variety of experiences and challenges that I need, but there are certainly elements -- ingredients -- that I prefer over others.  The thing is, I can't pick and choose what to experience, what to enjoy, and what to leave behind. I can't r*ape the G.O.R.P. 

I have to take whatever handful I get everyday, even if it sometimes seems like all I am getting are the raisins and the seeds, and trust that there will be days when all I get are M&Ms in return.   

** I apologize for the completely un-P.C. phrase, I did not invent it, I just inherited it.

Comments

[Milliner's Dream (Hannah)]

OH MY! With your permission, I'd like to use your story and analogy with my childbirth classes when I speak about adjustment, postpartum depression, and getting on with "real life" when all the fuss and attention and support for new parents seems to just...STOP.

Hannah
www.millinersdream.blogspot.com

[buffi]

Fantastic analogy! Sadly, I will let you know that the "7 month itch" is only the first one. You will have many, many more. But the sloppy wet kisses continue as well and that part only gets better!

[Holly]

Aha!!! I was just getting ready to send you a comment I added to my own blog:

"Tpon... I love your comments because they boggle me so!

So, I have to ask. What is an M&M moment? And referring to a few posts back, what is a semiphore flag?"

But now, I realize too late... if I had read this entry before the question, I would have at LEAST gotten the M&M moment one.

Yes, how true. I actually had the 6 weeks pregnant itch (ie. what the hell have I DONE! I wanted this, but now my life is not my own ALREADY!), then the 7 month'ish itch. And, as Buffi said already... many more. There is also the "WHY did I want more than one child???" itch, by the way. Not that you should re-think the decision to have more, because you wouldn't regret it. But there ARE moments....

GREAT post!!

P.S. I still haven't figured out what a semiphore flag is???

[Chasity]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, I said the same to Deviant Woman. I am new to the blogging life and it is so comforting to know I am not the only one with these feelings! It feels to me like a little life crisis or depression, but how can I even go there when I have been blessed with a baby when so many can't have children! I go in circles in my head because I know that if the people who can't have babies did they would have these freakin' feelings too! AAHHH!! Anyway, thank you so much for sharing!
Chasity

[chasity]

Hi, I already commented on this, but I was wondering if you would mind if I shared this with my moms group? I am sure it will be a relief to them as much as it was to me.
Thanks
chasity

[Wood]

Great post. Tonight Dutch and I went out to dinner babyless for the first time in nearly 7 months. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of lifestyle changes around here. Overall though, I'd say we've got a good M&M ratio most of the time.