Dearest Cole-dog --
You think that you are clever, with your sad face and your meek posture. And you may even believe that you can play the guilt card right into the sweet life. But, let me tell you something sneaky pants... I am on to you. You are not to be trusted when it comes to food. You would rip out N.'s windpipe for a piece of beef jerky.
I have been wondering for days what I must have done to force you to cower in fear everytime I opened the back door to let you in. I do hate THE INCESSENT BARKING, but it is not as if you have been tortured because of it. And yes, there was that time that I slammed the door on your snout, but that was over a year ago. And I was hormonal from growing the butterbean. Are you having flashbacks brought on by too many days munching mushrooms in the backyard? Are you so afraid of mommy that you must look at me with the mix of terror and desire to please that makes me want to cry?
Or, could it be that last week I offered you a cookie to get in the house and now you are testing me, my sweet four-legged con man? Are you trying to play to my need to be loved in order to create a endless supply of peanut butter-flavored bisquits?
I am on to you... I see your game now and I am not falling for it. You can sit your big ass* out there all night for all I care. JUST DON'T BARK!
Lovs.
PS. Nugget, don't you even THINK about getting involved in this little blackmail scheme...
* just for the record, Cole is fat. He is currently weighing in at about 110 lbs. and he is a pure lab. He doesn't need a cookie everytime he comes in the house. If left to his own devices, this dog would eat himself to death.
Perhaps you can treat him with the giant chunks of wax out of Butterbean's ears. Oh, man. I just grossed myself out!
Posted by: buffi | Thursday, August 18, 2005 at 10:24 PM
When I was growing up, we had a 100 lb+ black lab named Colby. There's really not much you can convince a dog like that to do unless it wants to do it, especially once they're old. Colby chewed on rocks. She didn't want bones or rubber toys or those weird hard stinky chunks of, what are they? Skin? Those creepy bleached things you can buy your dog in bulk that they chew on? Anyway, Colby would chew on rocks. You should have seen her teeth.
Posted by: Dutch | Friday, August 19, 2005 at 02:49 PM
Cole is pretty old and stubborn, that is true, but generally lovable. And he will eat a nice piece of rawhide (the creepy bleached stuff) from time to time (although I hate buying it).
He isn't very discriminating, I am pretty sure that he would eat garbage if we would just pour a little syrup on it.
Posted by: tpon | Friday, August 19, 2005 at 03:02 PM
Michele sent me
Posted by: computerjoe | Friday, August 19, 2005 at 03:25 PM
My dog just played the sad face card so I gave him a piece of a tortilla. Then he needed to take his antibiotic pill so I put it in a piece of salami. He ralphed on the carpet. No more Mr. McSaddyPants face for me!
Michele sent me.
Posted by: chatty | Friday, August 19, 2005 at 03:47 PM
That doofus-like Lab attitude is just priceless, isn't it?
I so want one. My wife's thinking such a dog would turn me into the attitudinal equivalent of pet-puddy, so she's somewhat opposed to a Lab.
I'll be laughing all through breakfast after reading this. Thanks!
BTW, saw your link on Michele's and decided to pop in. Lucky me!
Posted by: Carmi | Saturday, August 20, 2005 at 06:24 AM