apples don't roll too far...

Family legend has it that between the ages of six months and four years, a series of experiments was conducted on yours truly.  My parents, I am sure under the influence of some substance popular with members of the former-hippie, turned yuppie counter-culture, felt it was their duty to society to use their parenting experience to prove out any number of actual or imagined theories of child development. [I know, I am often amazed that I escaped childhood as high-functioning as I am. By all accounts, I ought to curled in a ball somewhere eschewing all personal contact.]

OK, so I am exaggerating slightly.  It is not as if these experiments put me in any MORTAL danger. There were the tests to determine at what point my taste buds became fully-developed (accomplished by repeated exposure to edible substances of varying type and taste -- some v. spicy, e.g. the habenero pepper, some just plain nasty, e.g. liver); there were experiments to see how many times I would reach for a toy, that was yanked away at the very last moment, before losing my shit; and there were the experiments designed to determine exactly the best method to keep me from getting out of bed at night, my personal favorite... mostly because I REMEMBER it.

At the time, I was getting out of bed at night to sneak-a-peak at the TV.  I would fall asleep on the stairs where hours later, Chicken Little and Hippie-freak (my dad) would trip over me. My parents went through a variety of "fixes" until settling on a motion detector/alarm system wired to my bedroom door.  Upon activation, the device emitted a ear-splicing noise, about 125 decibels (that of a car alarm), INSIDE the mot$her-fuc*king house.

Needless to say, after the first night of use,  I NEVER, EVER got out of the bed in the middle of night again.  My mother has since capitulated that perhaps the alarm was a tad over the top.  I bet that you are all thinking to yourselves, "it is a good thing that t'pon is an only child..."

Well, I think that it is fair to say that we all want better things for our children than we had for ourselves. As such, I have decided to out-source experimentation on Bean to our local state university. Our first appointment is on Saturday.

You thought that I was going to say something about not subjecting him to experimentation, didn't you?  Ha, obviously, we are still getting to know each other.

These are responsible researchers looking into how babies react to different faces and visual stimulation in a happy and safe environment.  Bean will wear a shower cap specially designed to measure his brain activity while he watches faces and pictures appear on a TV screen.  In 30 minutes time, Bean will help researchers get a little more insight into child development. Already, he is making contributions to society. I am so proud.

I have also checked to make sure there are no alarms involved.  I am responsible like that.

Comments

[Holly]

Right on! Giving back at the tender age of 9 months. You shall have a lot to write about, that is for sure.

So? The stick? PATIENTLY waiting....

[buffi]

How cool! I would totally have taken my kiddos to do that.

Now...::looking in Yellow Pages for "motion detector alarms"::

[dutch]

wow, that's awesome. here's four crossed fingers to the hope that the study's focus is NOT ACTUALLY "aggression in 9/10 month olds" with the wacky psychologists showing bean videos of monkeys beating their chests and knocking over ottomans and knocking fur babies out of their way with savage aplomb and gorillas pinching each other and then the scientists will show him pictures of the faces of angry wolverines and tazmanian devils and mongooses. then he'll come home superbean with a powerful electronic shower cap that harnesses his aggression and he's all like those crazy killa guys in 28 days later and not even N's ninja skills will be able to defeat him.

[mortimersmom]

as the daughter of two reformed hippies as well, my memories revolve mostely around the two different pans of brownies... the ones for kids and the special ones for grown ups... ha, the memories!