525,600 x 8 =

4,204,800 minutes. 

Which, coincidentally, is how long I have been sober, give or take 4 days.  The actual anniversary of my sobriety is Jan 5, but as I was forced to spend the better part of my last week and weekend hanging out with co-workers and nearly every single consumer electronics geek in the world...  I am just now getting around to this post.

Also, to be totally fair and honest, I am not sure what else I have to say about this. I have considered a number of directions in the past few days... from touching, to self-deprecating, to matter-of-fact, to nothing at all.  Nothing seems complete. However, since I have become quite adept at the bullet-ed list, this seems an effective tool for highlighting all of the underdeveloped thoughts I have about this particular anniversary.

• I am a high functioning, binge alcoholic.  That means that I can go several days, even weeks without a drink.  But drinking is like Pringles for me -- once I pop, I can't stop.
• It runs in my family.
• Every former heavy drinker has bad habits... I used to stay up very, very, very late and order things from the TV using any available credit card.  I would, obviously, pass out and forget that I had ordered anything until weeks later the item would show up on my doorstep.  This is how I came to own a very complicated bathroom cleaning system, the Time-Life "Sounds of the 60s" (and 70s) box set(s), and a bedazzler. (NOTE: When one is very, very drunk, a bedazzler is so sparkly... it is nearly impossible to resist.  I challenge you to resist.)
• I do hold the record amongst a group of former acquaintances for the longest keg stand (just over 55 seconds)... and I can chug a pitcher of beer in a remarkably short period of time.  Not that I brag about these things.  But everyone needs to be good at something.
• I had pet-names for the toilets.
• I officially met my husband about a year after I quit drinking, despite the fact that we went to college together.  I had such a reputation for a booze hound, that it took N. several weeks to figure out that I was one and the same with the drunk he knew from school. In fact, my reputation almost kept him from asking me out.
• I decided that I needed to quit drinking after waking up on Jan 5, 1998 (which was a Monday) with no recollection of how I got home or where I had been the night before.  I looked outside and saw that my car was "parked" on a curb...  I could have killed someone.
• At our wedding, N. was "forced" to finish a bottle of champagne by himself...  I ate three giant pieces of cake and compensated with sugar shock.
• During the past eight years, I have had only three drinks (one Black Velvet, one half of an apple martini, and one beer), each has been within the last 3 months and each has brought an uncomfortable amount of guilt.  I did, however, enjoy them in the moment, which is probably the perfect indication that I need to stay away from the sauce.
• I lost friends because of my drinking and I lost friends over my decision to quit drinking...  But only through quitting, did I gain respect for myself.
• N. loves that I don't drink.  I am a cheap date and a free ride home.
• People often ask if I miss drinking... I reply that there are a lot of things that I would miss even more.
• The one habit from my drinking days that I can not seem to kick... falling asleep in the clothes that I have been wearing all day.

That about sums it up...  So, here's to another eight years. And another after that.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

SERENITY, NOW!

Comments

[Dutch]

I like that N thought you were this totally different person, like there's this bizarro drunk t'pon out there still smashing things and buying 17-part real estate courses at 4:37 in the morning.

congrats on the sobriety.

[Luckydad]

Oh my. As someone who has been lurking around your blog for a couple of months now, I never saw this coming.

I was caught a little off guard, but let me say: CONGRATULATIONS. You deserve an award on stage. And although there are few rewards greater than eight years of self respect (WOW!), let me suggest this one: the Bean doesn't have a mother who loves the sauce more than she loves her family and her own life. Way to Go! What a gift you are giving your son!

[buffi]

Okay this is a little late...but did you know that you quit drinking on SugarPlum's first birthday?! That is cool. I will always remember this anniversary for you, now. Good for you.

[f-i-n]

What's a bedazzler?

[lori]

I just stumbled across your site for the first time and I love it. Congratulations on your sobriety. That's impressive. I see a lot of myself in the description of the old you and that's scary stuff. Thanks for the food for thought.

[Holly]

Man, I thought I was a partier back in the day, but you got me beat!

Congratulations on your anniversary! As a wine lover, I would be *SO* sad to quit drinking. But given your bulleted list, you clearly made an excellent and brave (and difficult) decision. I hope I would do the same under those same circumstances.