baby-making blues

So, here's a big secret for my faithful Wubbies... N. and I are trying.  There I said it.  I have probably jinxed us, but needless to say I gots to work some stuff out.

I was introduced to the world of blogging while I was looking for information the first time around.  Based on my health history and everything my doctor had told me, we fully expected to struggle to get Bean.  Mentally, I prepared for a very long, hard, and likely expensive road. We discussed the lengths to which we would be willing to go. I convinced N. to start trying a few months earlier than we had originally planned because it would likely take a lot longer to "git 'er done". Anyway, long story, only slightly shorter...

We pulled the goalie and BOOM... and after three days of trying, we started this crazy ride. N. loves to point out that he was cheated out of the only good part of trying to get pregnant... the month after month after month of the attempt.  He also brags about being SUPER fertile. I guess that you can have it both ways after all... Congrats kiddo, your boys have got propellers.

...............

We have not been as fortunate this time around.  And let me be clear, lest I offend... I am not trying to lay claim to any kind of fertility issue.  I would not be so foolish as to compare our couple of months of half-hearted efforts with people who truly struggle trying to become parents. No, what I am referring to is more a matter of passion -- of commitment to the art of baby-making.  (hehe, that sounds kind of dirty.  Get your mind out of the gutter... I am not talking about THAT either.)

My head is not in the game.  Last time, I was on top of all those little details you are on top of when you are working to have a baby -- things that I will not spell out for you as writing them down for others to read makes me feel all wormy inside (yes, even after  having a team of perfect strangers become intimately familiar with my lady bits).  But this go around, I seem to have developed a counting problem, along with a terrible case of ADHD. Ultimately, this begs the question, why?

At first, I thought that it was a simple case of being too busy with the kid we already have to be able to zero in on making the next.  But as I thought more about it, could it be that I am not ready for this?  Is it possible that this is some involuntary way of keeping me from setting off on a journey without the proper shots and paperwork?

We want to have our kids close together.  And I love the idea of being pregnant again.  I loved being pregnant, every minute of it.  And I also know that I want MORE kids... sort of.

Here it is... I think. I am freaked out about being a mom to any more kids...  Lets face it, being a mom to one is hard enough.  Isn't that why most of us do this blogging thing?  I mean, aside from the fame. As an outlet for all of the misgivings and doubts, a place to vent about the less than stellar moments in parenting?

I am an only child...  I have no idea what it is like to have siblings, or sibling rivalry for that matter. I have no model for dealing with the needs of two young children and that kind of freaks me out. 

When Bean was born, I was simply overwhelmed by my capacity for love and then, my capacity for WORRY.  How can I possibly LOVE any more?  How can I possibly WORRY any more?  Quite honestly, there are days when I feel like I am barely holding shit together as it is and I think about how freaking overwhelmed I was when Bean was 8 weeks old. He is a pretty independent little man sometimes more than I would like, but there are days when all he wants to do is hang off of me.  He is the light of my day and it is so incredibly important to me that he knows that, that he knows how much he has added to my life.

How does that work when there are two? How do you add another and not lose what you have with the first?

Can someone explain this to me so that I can get on with the business of building my family?

Comments

[Mama Mia]

Hi there. I don't really have any advice because I only have one child so far, but I read a great post related to this on Dotmoms.com It might provide you with some insight. I don't know how to link to the post here, but it's called "Prenatal apologies" and was posted on 1/22/06.

[Wood]

I know what you mean, t'pon. I grew up as an only child too, and even though I know I want more than one, I feel completely unprepared for all the sibling issues. so for now we're waiting. It'll be at least a couple of years.

congrats, though -- on being ready to try. My fingers are crossed for you.

[jubyred]

I remember clarly having a converdation with my husband like, "Would you be freaked out if I said I only wanted one child?" Our son was over a year old and I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much or dividing myself between them. he said that night it wasn't a matter of division but of multiplication. Your heart grows. you adore your parents, your friends, your cat...and then you meet your husband and you think, ok, this is IT and then you have a child.

On a much smaller scale, it reminds me of finishing an amazing book and feeling like, "Well now what in the hell am I supposed to read? that was the best it's ever going to get." But then you find another book down the road and feel the same way.

One day, I just felt it. Was ready for number two. She arrived 10 months later and all I know is, he was right. It's different and it's the same. They hold different places, but each as powerful.

[jubyred]

uh, yeah-a couple typos there. No, I'm not drunk. Just distracted.

[jubyred]

uh, yeah-a couple typos there. No, I'm not drunk. Just distracted.

[TJones]

I have two and they are 2 years and 5 days apart. I felt that way for a while - how could I possibly love more, feel more, want to share my time with another little one?

And I loved being pregnant - when I wasn't feeling like crap, it was awesome. And with the second one, I very very rarely felt like crap.

And then he was born and the moment, the second, the *instant* he came into this world and I looked at him - I knew. I knew it was the best thing to happen and yes, *cliche alert* I felt complete.

[Mega Mom]

My first baby was my world. Adorable, happy, smart. Perfect in every way. How could another baby ever compare?

Then my heart was born. Sensitive, soulful, brooding. The best cuddler I've ever met. Perfection doubled.

Then came quite another species. Wild from the day he was born. Full of fun, naughtiness and bad temperament. Perfection? Maybe not, but I'd do it over again in a heartbeat.

I love them all the same. But all differently. Each one is my favorite. My favorite 5 year old, my favorite 4 year old and my favorite 2 year old.

And I think maybe, just maybe, I'm going to make the trip one more time.

So how do you add another without losing what you had with the first? You just do.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

All I know is that my childhood memories are fondest when my siblings were there with me. It has made all the difference through growing up and now, as an adult I couldn't imagine life without them. I'm not ready to "try again"just yet but i'm hoping soon so Arch can kick-it with a sib like I kicked-it with my little bro-fo. Good times, good times.

[tpon]

Thanks to all of you who took some time away from the MIM debacle to remind me that this whole business of parenting is a leap of faith and that adding another bundle to this merry band of miscreants is really no different.

perhaps, I just needed some reassurance.

[Holly]

It just... works. I can't explain it, and up until the day my second son was born, I couldn't comprehend how I would love another like I loved my firstborn. But I did, the moment he was born.

The sibling rivalry is hard. Everything is harder about having more than one. Two is more than double the work. BUT - it is WAY, WAY more than double the love.

And, I suppose, that is why it works.

I pulling for N's guys and your bits!