get your tickets...

The thing that I love about my husband's family is their ability to take any blessed event and turn it into an opportunity to show off their very best passive aggressive dance moves. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mention it, but as they are doing their best to drag me into it, I am forced to dust off my legwarmers and jazz hands and "Express Myself!"

I think that I have done a fair job of introducing y'all to my MIL. But, in order to really understand what is going on with this situation, I have to now share some additional information on my SIL and the family dynamics. In the interest of time, I am going with the cliff notes format, complete with bullets:

• My SIL is a little fanatic… she is a high-maintenance parent, overly concerned with germs, safety, and the media's danger du jour. As such, it is often difficult for her to keep perspective.
• My MIL does not really like my SIL, although I suspect that this is less about SIL and more about my MIL's belief that the only woman good enough for her sons is her.
• It probably doesn't help that these two women live less than 5 miles door to door from each other, go to the same church, etc. etc. etc. (I mean, have these people not heard of BOUNDARIES?)
• There have been no less than ten confrontations between SIL and MIL re: the raising of our first niece (3 yrs old), including one episode, involving a three page baby-care instruction manual and a trash can, which found me trapped me in the middle.
• My BIL and N. are both afraid of their mother. I have never seen two grown men (short of those who attended Catholic School) quake in fear when forced to confront an older woman. Granted, her fits are a sight to behold and I have seen her swing a golf club, but come on...

• Currently, I am the ranking favorite with my MIL, due in large part to the fact that early on (despite vehement protests from N.) I subtly indicated that I would not be a party to her manipulation and I also have the benefit of 1200 miles distance. (see, BOUNDARIES... an effective family management tool)

About three weeks ago, my BIL and SIL received a visit from the stork who dropped off a brand new baby girl, 5 weeks early. [I claim that the stork stopped by as my SIL is known for her ridiculously short labours.  This one clocked in at a remarkably irritating 2.25 hours -- from first contraction to baby on the ground.  Her first labour came in just under 4 hours. I wanted her daughter to provide Bean in-utero instructions on evacuation procedures to encourage his speedy disembarking, but alas, my SIL felt this might be a wee inappropriate for a then 2-year old.] This is her second preemie, our first niece was born about 7 weeks early.

Mama and baby are doing great and all appeared to be going gangbusters. That is until last week, when the curtain went up on the Beavertuckey Dancers' performance, "did grandma shake the baby?" Back by popular demand from its long run in 2003. It goes without saying that all of the information that I have on the incident comes second hand from N. who heard it from his brother and mother direct from a source.  Totally reliable. So, first the facts... my comments added in parentheses.

Last week, after some two weeks of loudly complaining that SIL was not letting her see enough of the grandbabies (I can't quite articulate how much IS enough, as I think that she sees A LOT of them already, but I digress), my MIL bundled up and headed out over the treacherous five miles to see the newest addition to the family.  Sometime during the visit, MIL began bouncing the two week old on her lap.  SIL calmly asked her to stop as she "is really concerned about shaken baby syndrome."  (I have seen my MIL bounce a baby and, to be fair, she is a bit aggressive in the way that she handles small children with poor neck control...  and SIL's babies are preemies which naturally makes a mama more concerned. That said, she certainly is not treating the baby as if it were a raw chicken part in a bag of shake and bake...) MIL promptly handed the baby over to FIL and has not held the baby since (because this is, of course, the mature way to handle the situation).

Several days later, while the family was once again gathered for a little passive-aggressive tension, MIL broke from the scripted choreography and into a daring dance solo.  She quite bluntly pointed out to SIL that her feelings were deeply hurt by the "shaken baby concerns" and went on to explain that no one in the family appreciates her (prompted by N.'s helpful comment that if MIL was hurt by SIL's concerns that she should just speak up and stop bothering us about it).  All MIL wants to do is help and no one wants her around (this is something she does A LOT... somehow any disagreement with her is a reflection of our lack of love and appreciation). SIL promptly broke into a teary explanation that she doesn't feel respected and that it is within her right to be concerned about her babies and to dictate their care (prompted by my BIL's helpful suggestion that if she felt uncomfortable with something MIL was doing that she should speak up and stand her ground and stop bothering him about it).   

They are now at an impasse, of course. No one is speaking and no one is bouncing this poor baby. The "boys" have come to me looking for some help.  BIL and N. want me to step in and calm SIL down... talk her off her fence so to speak, encourage her to lighten up about the bouncing and give their mom some slack. There is also a suggestion to speak to MIL and get her to see the lighter side of the situation. But here is the thing...  I don't want to get involved. Mostly because it is none of my business.

Also because I have nothing to gain from getting involved... regardless of who I personally think is in the right here. In fact, getting involved will surely only make things more difficult for me and I am pretty darn sure that if the tables were turned, SIL would not be rushing to my aid. This is their issue and they really need to work it out themselves.

And for those keeping track...  I think SIL has the defensible position.  Yes, she is overreacting about the bouncing.  I don't think that MIL is going to cause brain damage...  mostly, it just looks uncomfortable to the baby.  But, it is SIL's kid, which means her rules... so even if MIL thinks that SIL is bat-shit crazy, as long as SIL is not harming her children, its her way or the highway...

Am I being a bitch by not getting involved?  In the interest of familial relations, should I just be helpful?  Or, is butting my nose in just going to get it chopped off?

Comments

[Luckydad]

Am I being a bitch by not getting involved?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
A thousand times, no. Especially at the very sane distance of 1200 miles, no.
Ever see the movie "War Games"?
The only way to win is not to play.

rachiepoo offers the advice to do what we like to call "stay low", and keep your own council, hot stuff. nothing good can come from this, and your position as favorite was hard-won. sil will have to nut up and be a big girl. oy and vey. i need a tpon fix. smooch--rmg

[Heather]

I would stay out of it too. Whenever I get involved I always regret it later (when everyone has decided to be mad at me instead).

[sleeping mommy]

I'm with you on this one. STAY OUT OF IT. Nothing can be gained by getting involved and it will probably all just get worse--for you--if you wade into the fray.

By the way, I WISH my inlaws didn't know about my blog so I could share how TRULY nuts they are. So loving this post.

[Mega Mom]

No, I'm with you. They are all grown-ups. You can only gain by taking the high road. Your BIL should grow some balls.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

stay out of it, girl. i had a similar situation over the weekend with MIL. whenever i open my mouth i get in trouble and trouble flat-out sucks.

[Sarah]

Wow. I wish I could could vent on my blog. I told my whole extended family about it.

Also, I agree with everyone. Stay out of it. You stay clean, no matter what happens.

[Holly]

God, I love your in-law stories! You keep it so real, and as always gut-busting funny.

I refuse to give advice here, because I give bad advice.

Me personally, I'd get involved, because I have an opinion on everything, and have a hard time not sharing it. Which is bad. Really, really bad. So see? I'd tell you to do what I'd do, and that would be giving bad advice. So there you have it. Just do the opposite of what I'd do and I guess it'd be good advice.

P.S. I looooooovvve the new picture at the top!

[tpon]

SO, just for anyone still checking in. I got involved. I KNOW... but in my defense, i only said anything because I wasked point blaknk asked by one of the parties in question.

I am thinking that if this whole motherhood thing is a bust, I might have a career in tight rope walking with the Passive Aggressive Circus.

[tpon]

Damn you, typos! On my own site. UGH

[buffi]

Damn, girl. I was all set to say good for you for not getting into it. Oh, well. You had no choice really.

Something tells me I'm glad I didn't get to meet them when you were up here. Yikes!!

[stefanierj]

Oh, my. Keep us posted on the fallout. And keep the in-law stories coming, girlie. Hoo-weee! I am SO GLAD mine don't know about my blog.

[stefanierj]

PS LOVE the green shirt pic. LOVE IT. And veggie booty--LURVE IT.

[Luckydad]

Okay, so you were asked point blank -- by whom? And then what happened? Inquiring minds want to know!