banzo unveiled...

So, a few days ago a very dear friend called me.  I admit that a phone call from Miss Dub is not unprecedented, but the concern in her voice was palpable.  She was checking in to make sure that I had not "sylvia plathed" myself in the days following the big ultrasound revealing Banzo's sex. Which is a totally ridiculous question... we don't even have a gas oven.  In order to properly off myself using that particular appliance, I would have to endure the smell of burning hair and skin and that is just not something that I tolerate well.

So yes, we found out.  And as I expected, the knowledge has been a mixed bag. N. is really tickled to know and has practically had the information tattooed on his forehead for all the world to see.  I, on the other hand, kind of wish I didn't know.  Yes, it is making planning easier, but really... the convenience isn't worth it.  I feel like I am missing something from this pregnancy, some of the excitement, anticipation and I need it.  To be quite honest, in comparison to Bean's gestation...  this one has been one big "hmpf!" (add disinterested shoulder shrug to sound for full effect).  I hope that Banzo doesn't take this personally, but without the whole guessing of what the new baby is...  it is a lot of "been there, done that." And lets be frank, it is hard to get excited about heartburn.

We are having another boy. 

That is the way that I have been telling everyone.  Not, we are having a boy!  Not, it's XY time!  I always use the word "another."  A co-worked pointed out that I say it as if it is a not-yet-finished joke... not in an excited or celebratory tone, but as if I am still trying to work out the punchline.

I am excited to have a boy.  I love being the mother of a little boy, and I do suspect that in many ways, in the long run, boys are "easier" (with the single exception of personal hygiene).  Deep down, I have always known that I would be the mommy of little boys.  That I would be a woman whose home was overrun with snips and snails and puppy dog tails...  I have even looked into a permanent parking space at the emergency room.

Bean and I have a blast everyday tearing it up and I have no doubt that Banzo will be the same.  N. is a fabulous daddy for little boys, rough and tumble, passionately competitive about EVERYTHING, and still possesses a boyish enthusiasm for all things video games.  Bean also displays all of the traits of a young man better suited to having a little brother than a little sister.  I know this from extensive studies of my father's childhood memories.  Some boys just need little brothers.  It is safer (and happier) for everyone involved. 

But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I was a little bummed. 

It would be incomplete to say that this is just a question of "the stuff."  I mean, we can all admit that girl stuff is cuter and more abundant. You really have to work hard to dress a little girl in ugly stuff.  But, I have two adorable nieces to get my pig-tail fix, for whom I can buy all manner of adorable toys and clothes.  And the more that I think about it, I would rather foster a habit for $200 pair of jeans and a spa habit to rival a depressed millionairess in someone else's kids... 

So the issue?  It is pretty pathetic, which is why I haven't said anything.  It was the same pang that I felt when Dr. B told us that Bean was a boy.  I will lose them sooner or later.  They will leave, and start their own families... I will always be their mother, I will eventually become a grandma, but I will never become their best-friend.

I will never have a relationship with my sons that is what a mother and daughter share as the daughter embarks on experiences and a life path that is parallel.  I will never have the chance to raise a strong woman, to look at her and see the things that I worried about and hoped for, to tell her that this too shall pass. To one day marvel at all that she has accomplished and all that she has become. No marathon calls and mother-daughter bonding.  No frustration at her insistence on making the same mistakes from which I have already made and learned.  No first loves and broken hearts.  I will never go wedding dress shopping, or cry with her knowing how hard it is to be a mom.

I know that having a girl is by no means a guarantee that those things happen for a mother, but NOT having a girl... well, that pretty much cinches it. And that makes me a little sad.

We will not have another. I am already freaked out beyond belief with the thought of being responsible for two.  Two seems manageable and reasonable for who we are. And I am sure I will one day look back on this post and chuckle at the amount of time and worry that I put into this.  I know that I am overlooking everything that is uniquely wonderful about raising little men and all of the great things that I can't even imagine right now.

I know this. But, if I never said it out loud.  If, I never admitted it to someone... 

Banzo is a boy! (and you know what... I am getting better with that everyday.)

Comments

[stefanierj]

Oh, sweetie, I am thrilled for you, but at the same time, I understand the wistfulness. I really do.

But you know what? You will never be some terrible girl's mother-in-law, you will be the cool mother-in-law who makes all the other girls envy your DIL, trust me on that. My sister's MIL is very dear to her and is like having a daughter she never birthed, so just think of it this way--you'll have a girl one day, and you won't even have to worry about her during her teenage years.

[Oh, The Joys]

I just got off a plane (am in Seattle) and read this. Ironically, I traveled here with my son leaving my wee daughter at home with her father. The woman across the aisle from me was the mother of grown sons. She said that the mother - son relationship is the best, from her perspective, because there are no "issues." She said she that as they grew up, she became their friend and that it got better and better and better all the time. She mentioned the complete and total lack of mother -daughter issues (and of course of Father-son issues) between her and her sons. She said that being the mom of grown sons was/ is wonderful.

That said, I completely understand what you're feeling and resonated with this post. I did not find out the gender of my second child and I was CONVINCED she was a he. When they put her on my stomach and told me it was a girl, I sobbed and laughed and sobbed and laughed for the promise of all the good and the difficult things you described in this post.

[Holly]

Yes, I know exactly. You put it just perfectly.

[MoMo]

I totally understand what you're saying; it's not at all silly. For me, I think that not having a daughter would sadden me because I feel like I'll always be the "other" grandmother. It seems like most grandchildren end up being much closer to the mother's mother. Plus, I think you can experience the pregnancy and birth differently with a daughter than a daughter-in-law (unless you're really lucky, of course!). So, yes, having boys is amazing and wonderful of course. But, I think it's ok to be sad about not having a girl too.

[obabe]

you just made me cry, as youve put into words the feelings i couldnt quite capture, being the mom of two little boys.

[Kim]

I have three sons.
When we found out the third was a boy, I cried. Then I proceeded to go to Macy*s and buy all new clothes. No way was my child going to wear third-me-downs! I have gotten over it for the most part.
Oh, I might mention that my third son wore his hair past his shoulders (kind of like a mullet) for over 3 years! OK Maybe I wanted to pretend, I don't remember, I am just trying to survive these teenage years!
Hang in there, its lots of fun!

[Kelly]

Hey there, I have 3 young boys also. The third we really wanted a girl, it was excited that we were having another boy, but at the same type the same type of feelings you described flooded me also. I didn't have a great relationship with my mom, so I guess I wanted to "do it better" or "do it different". I suppose it's not in the cards for us.

They are such a joy and such fun, but it would be nice to balance out the house. lol

[Lawyer Mama]

I completely understand. I had my second little boy 8 months ago. Having 2 boys is really the only thing that could make me contemplate having a 3rd, but somehow I know I would end up with THREE boys! Just remember that boys adore their moms - no issues, no competition, just adoration.

[sweetsalty kate]

Oh, I am so exactly in the same place as you are.. except times two. After reading my recent "I'm convinced my identical twins (I'm 4 months along, and yes, am huge already) are boys..." post, a friend directed me to yours, which I lapped up with intense solidarity. (http://ingliseast.typepad.com/ingliseast/2007/02/my_life_as_a_wh.html)

I love how you put this: "I will never have a relationship with my sons that is what a mother and daughter share as the daughter embarks on experiences and a life path that is parallel..." That is precisely what I wanted to say, except better.

I don't know for sure yet as you do, but will find out within a couple of weeks. Am steeling myself for a distinct lack of pigtails. This entire post is the word-for-word monologue of the inside of my head... all I can try to believe is that once they get here, we won't be able to imagine having anything other than the boys we were given.

Anyway, I am so keen to read through your archives, as it seems we're in a similar place, except for my darned splitting egg. :)

[sweetsalty kate]

Ah-ha! I am just realizing how late to the game I am here.. didn't notice this was a post from September and you are now at home probably doing anything but reading and updating your blog. So congratulations, and I hope you're getting some sleep and starting to feel a little bit human. Yipee! Welcome Banzo!