Prolly All the Time

mental gymnastics...

So far, my single biggest observation of being sans-employment is how freaking busy I am...  Seriously, there was a metric shit-ton not getting done around here on a regular basis. 

IMHO (and since this is my blog, that is pretty much all you get here...) I have been pretty pleased with my ability to address issues that heretofore have taken N.'s and my collective talents MONTHS to figure out.  The number of solutions I have created for the master bedroom cable issue ALONE is quite impressive, not to mention the organization of my new closet.

[Did I mention that in the midst of the rather abrupt decision to leave the job, casa t'pon also relocated?  I didn't.  Hmmmmm, well consider yourselves informed.] 

N. would probably interject here to offer the perspective that he is quite amazed at the number of "problems" I can imagine in just the first 10 minutes of the day that need to be solved ASAP and preferably with some kind of large expenditure.  But he is insane from inhaling paint fumes, so feel free to ignore him.

Also, finding myself with much more available time during "normal business hours," I have been enjoying the task of running a whole new world of errands, beans in tow. 

I bring this all up not to try to get someone to throw me a ticker-tape parade (although, that would be nice).  I bring it up to state the mind-achingly obvious.  This shit is... challenging.  I have a new found respect for women (and men) who go about the task of hunting and gathering in the urban landscape each day with a child (or, GASP!, children) strapped to them.

Now, I have ALWAYS thought that being a stay-at-home parent was ridiculously hard work.  N. and I have long paid someone good money to do that job at casa t'pon. But what I have never fully grasped, until now, was how much mental work is required.  Dare I say it, but there is some graduate-level problem solving going on here...  and I find myself woefully under-qualified.

Yesterday, for example, started with a real-life scenario of that old "fox, chicken, bag of grain" brainteaser when I took Banzo to the vacuum repair shop.  How, I asked myself in the parking lot, was I to get one toddler, one broken vacuum, and my other stuff out of the car and into the store without raising the concern of an overzealous "do-gooder," irking off the guy who would be fixing the vacuum, or crushing my skeletal structure trying to get everything at once. That one errand, put me back 15 minutes on my schedule.

There are the complex, multi-party negotiations; chemical compound identification and analysis; mechanical and electrical engineering; required vast knowledge and immediate recollection of 20th and 21st century Kiddie Lit; geography; economics...  the list goes on, and on, and on...

And, it has only been one week. 

I am so very tired and am really beginning to welcome the thought of going back to work.

But, I need to know...  what brainteaser did your day most resemble?

getting it right for the first time...

The past six months have been a roller coaster.  I DO NOT LIKE ROLLER COASTERS.  I do not harbor any deep appreciation for the ride, for the "thrill," or for the feeling of being snatched from the jaws of imminent splattage by a very suspect and precarious hodge podge of wood, steel beams and screws...  What can I say, mini-trains of death coasters are just not my cup of tea.

Choices I have made (both actively and passively) certainly contributed to the overall mind and heart-f&*k that I have been engaged in for the past several months.  The situation has made me someone who I do not particularly like or wish to be around.  For months, I have plodded along rather than take any action, settling on depression, anxiety, and anger as a way of life.  It has cost me my sense of humor, my joy in everyday things, and, probably the hardest to stomach, some of my bond with Banzo.  [I know!  Y'all are so pleased to have come over here to read this...  it is uplifting, isn't it...]

Today, however, I am turning over a new leaf.  I am leaving a job that has been so important to me for nearly six years that I have let it take me away from the somethings that are truly far more important.  I am making an active choice to walk away from my goal in favor of someone else. I am deciding that I can find another job that is fulfilling, engaging, AND is in the best interest of my family.  I am leaving behind colleagues that I adore to make more time for the people that I LOVE.

This is the hardest choice I have had to make [why?  it should be the easiest! a no-freaking brainer, for crisps-sake...  but I digress].

But for the first time...  in a long time, everything just feels RIGHT.